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In The Battle Of The Single Banker Sexes: What Relationship Advice Can You Take to The Bank?

There’s been a flurry of dating debates about whether bankers should date each other (see links below to Business Oasis, Business Insider,cnbc.com and the like).

Some male bankers are saying they wouldn’t date female bankers because they’re nerds, condescending, materialistic and critical of men.  Many say they’d rather date teachers or some exotic trapeze artist–anything different from what they already do.

Conversely, some women don’t date bankers because they find them self-absorbed, too busy and overly work-focused.  Some single women who love bankers retract their love when ‘status’ falls away.  We recall the DABA girls (Dating a Banker Anonymous) covered in the NY Times who started a group for girlfriends of bankers during the recession.  Their blog  was billed as “free from the scrutiny of feminists,” inviting women to join “if your monthly Bergdorf’s allowance has been halved and bottle service has all but disappeared from your life.”  They complained when their lifestyle changed because their boyfriends had lost their jobs.

Perhaps most especially on “Wall Street,” status, perceptions and stereotypes prevail so it’s a good microcosm from which to examine our blocks to love, on either front.   And as Mother Teresa once said, ‘If you judge people, you have no time to love them.’  So let’s start there.

As a psychologist who specializes in dating and just wrote a book about single career women finding love, I wanted to consider what might be beneath this apparent battle of the single successful sexes and what might prove some common emotional ground:

1. FUN & COMFORT:

Many successful hard driving singles (male or female) want fun and comfort at the end of the day, someone to understand and support them.  Traditionally successful men have picked less educated and younger women to take on this role.  Today some successful career women are doing the same.  Sometimes they pick men who are less educated but more nurturing, romantic, supportive and playful.

2.  SOMEONE WITH TIME: 

Many bankers (male or female) are heavily work focused and have little time for domestic pursuits, fun, planning vacations etcetera.  If they have a mate who excels at these things, it can balance them out and it will be less they have to deal with.

3. SOMEONE SIMPLE WHO CAN TAKE THEIR MIND OFF OF WORK:

After a day inundated with industry-related concerns it might be nice to escape shop talk, pressure and join someone in a completely different world to de-stress.  This could apply to male or female bankers, or career singles in general).

ON THE OTHER HAND, Here are some opposing views to consider:

1.  MUTUAL INTERESTS AND INTELLECT IS IMPORTANT:

When looks fade and novelty of another background wears off, what will you talk about?  Would it be good to share a passion for your career?  Would it be helpful to have someone with whom you could share lengthy and inspiring discussions?  Would education, accomplishments and career similarities be more important in the long run?

2. SHARED AMBITIONS AND GOALS CAN CREATE SYNERGY AND UNDERSTANDING: 

Who better to understand your stress, work hours and dreams than a partner who is experiencing the same thing?  How could picking a similarly successful mate fuel your mutual dreams and life plan?  Look at power couples like Hilary and Bill Clinton and Michelle and Barak Obama as examples.

3. BIRDS OF A FEATHER FLOCK TOGETHER:

Instead of thinking about the attraction of an opposite mate, consider finding someone who complements you, knows and respects what you are about because they are made from the same cloth.

So before you decimate your hot opposite sex office mate, remember you are in the same boat, and dating to find love is hard!

My book, ‘When Mars Women Date‘ discusses whether single successful career people do better picking an opposite partner to balance them out or creating a ‘power couple’ to spur one another on.  There are successful examples of each.

Also, here are some “Questions To Ask Yourself as a Single Career Person:”

1.  Do You Want Substance Over Flash?  Are you looking for a trophy wife or someone intelligent, successful and accomplished in her own right?

2.  What Is Real Wholeness in Yourself and a Mate?  Are you still picking a partner to balance you out or can you begin to make those changes within yourself and look for a similarly well-balanced mate?

3.  Do I agree with the gender stereotypes associated with dating?  Sure, your coworkers may all have the schoolteacher wives or ibanker husbands (if you are female), but what type of person would best complement you?  Are you embarrassed or threatened about dating a woman as successful as you?  Are you projecting all kinds of unfavorable stereotypes on successful single women as a result?  And, for women, are you embarrassed about dating a less successful man who could love and support you and encourage you to succeed at your dreams?

There are no cookie-cutter answers here but it’s the perfect opportunity to start asking these questions, because times, they are definitely a-changing!

 

*Permission to use excerpt with proper attribution, including bio below.

 

About this Author:

Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman is a licensed psychologist, owner of My Dating School (www.mydatingschool.com), author of Dating from the Inside Out, published by Atria Books, a regular speaker at The Learning Annex and is the NY Love Examiner. She’s been an expert on television like the CBS Early Show & the AM Northwest Early Show and a radio guest on the Curtis Sliwa show. She’s been quoted on MSN.com, USA Weekend, the NY Post, Newsweek, Lifetime.com, More, Match.com, Foxnews.com, Fox Business, Better Homes & Gardens, Reader’s Digest, Redbook, Glamour, Forbes, Woman’s Day, Metro news­papers, Men’s Health, Seventeen, Complete Woman magazines, and the NY Times.  Her new book, When Mars Women Date: How Career Women Can Love Themselves into the Relationship of their Dreams can ebook be ordered on Amazon through October.  It will come out in the print version in December 2012.  Learn more on her website, a community for single career women and the men who date them: www.whenmarswomendate.com!

 

Relevant Banker-Relationship Article Links

http://www.wallstreetoasis.com/blog/what-every-banker-girl-needs?page=2

http://www.wallstreetoasis.com/blog/day-9-why-i-wont-date-bankerella

http://www.tumblr.com/tagged/wso

http://www.cnbc.com/id/48554089/

http://www.businessinsider.com/banker-explains-that-wall-street-bankers-dont-date-each-other-2012-8

http://thegrindstone.com/work-life-balance/do-all-women-in-finance-feel-the-need-to-date-men-in-finance-421/

http://thegrindstone.com/work-life-balance/do-all-women-in-finance-feel-the-need-to-date-men-in-finance-421/2/

http://www.businessinsider.com/a-male-banker-on-dating-female-bankers-2012-8

http://www.businessinsider.com/8-hilarious-and-horrifying-tales-from-dating-wall-streeters-2011-12

http://www.articlesbase.com/fiction-articles/ceo039s-reply-to-a-pretty-girl-1891664.html

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/28/nyregion/28daba.html?_r=1&pagewanted=all

http://gawker.com/5141956/dawn-spinner-davis-daba-girl-and-sad-symbol-of-our-times

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/01/28/wall-street-wives-and-gir_n_161573.html

http://www.ivorytowerz.com/2009/02/no-pity-for-wall-street-leeches.html

http://itp.nyu.edu/~db1060/wordpress/?p=403

http://www.yourtango.com/200913041/sugar-daddies-bemoan-bad-economy

http://www.forbes.com/2009/02/05/recession-mating-money-opinions-columnists_0206_elisabeth_eaves.html