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7 Toxic Thought Patterns that Prevent Happiness:

Over the years in working with clients I often see seven cognitive patterns that interfere with happiness on all levels, including dating. Today I will explore these seven cognitive patterns with you. Please read them carefully and see if you can relate to doing this type of thinking in any area of your life:

1. PERFECTIONISTIC THINKING: Perfectionist thinking often leads to misery. There can be 8 things going very well and one minor thing that seems somewhat negative and a perfectionist will always over focus on that one negative thing. Let’s use an example from dating: If a single woman is dating a man who is cute, sweet, funny, very affectionate, generous, honest and consistent but she finds his laugh annoying, she might obsess about that daily. I am not saying that we should overlook negatives in a potential mate. I am just saying that everyone has challenges, so it is just which difficult traits you will choose. I have not met a perfect person yet, nor would I want to. By the same token, perfectionist thinkers are often too hard on themselves and they minimize their strengths and obsess about any weaknesses. Obviously this is detrimental when dating too. When I work with these types of clients I try to make them aware of this thought pattern and to help them to actively search for the positives in each situation. This allows them to be happier and more at peace in the present.

2. COMPARISON: Another common thought pattern that prevents happiness is comparison. With comparison, a person is always concerned about what others have and how they compare to them. An eye is always towards competition. If we look at this pattern within a dating context, a single person is always concerned about how beautiful NY single women are or how successful they are. Instead of focusing on their own particular strengths, they are always engaged in a self-dialogue about who is smarter, cuter or funnier. This can only lead to depression because there will always be someone smarter, cuter or funnier than you in this world. But, there will also never be another you. No one will have that unique combination of gifts and challenges that comprise you and the right mate will know it! So make sure that you do. I help clients combat the pattern of comparison by helping them to catch themselves when they are doing this and to consciously focus on their own strengths instead. This will ultimately lead to improved self-esteem.

3. CATASTROPHIZING: the cognitive pattern of catastrophizing involves making something out to be worse than it really is. So, maybe your boss is in a bad mood and he snaps at you that day and then you catastrophize and you decide this means that you will be fired! Do you see how you probably jumped ahead a few steps here? Let me give an example of this thought pattern within the context of dating. Perhaps a date has taken you out steadily for a month, called you every other day and he has always treated you well. Then, one week he does not call you for three days and you immediately think that he is breaking up with you. You forget to take the bigger picture into account.  This is an example of catastrophizing and assuming the worst instead of remaining present and patiently waiting to see what happened.

4. BLACK & WHITE OR POLARIZED THINKING: This pattern of thinking often places people in ‘either/or’ categories where there is little middle ground. So for example, by two dates you either you decide that a potential date is perfect for you, or he is decidedly ‘not the one.’ Either someone has everything that you want or you will immediately rule them out. Life is not like this and in relationships there are often shades of grey. So I am not suggesting that ‘you settle’ or forget the essential things you most want in a mate (that is black and white thinking to the other extreme), I am just saying that it takes some flexibility to make any relationship work. So sometimes I need to help clients develop a little flexibility in their thinking about dating and relationships to help them move forward.

5. LIMITING BELIEFS: A belief is a psychological state in which an individual holds a premise to be true. A limiting belief keeps us stuck in a certain idea so that we cannot experience anything to the contrary. So in the context of dating, if a single woman believes that there are no men in NY’ then she will not flirt back with the attractive man in the elevator in Manhattan. She shuts down the possibility of meeting someone great in NY before she even begins. Limiting beliefs are a huge obstacle in dating and common limiting beliefs are formed around age, geography, love, the opposite sex etc. I often help clients to recognize the limiting beliefs that keep them stuck from moving forward in their love lives and I have a whole section on this in my book, ‘Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart.’
6. PERSONALIZATION: Personalization is a cognitive pattern where we think everything people do or say is some kind of reaction to us. This one can be very toxic. For example in dating, if someone is rude to you or late, it is because it is who they are. It is not because of anything you did. Likewise, if someone does not ask you out again, sometimes it might just be because they prefer brunettes to blondes or they started dating someone else. A person who personalizes everything will immediately find a way to blame themselves for anything negative that happens. When working with these types of clients, a try to teach them to take a step back and consider the other person or situation as separate from them. This can save them a lot of unnecessary self-inflicted pain.

7. OVERGENERALIZATION: This cognitive pattern is when we come to a general conclusion based on a single piece of evidence or a single incident. By forecasting the future based on minimal evidence, you run the risk of being very wrong. An example from the dating world would be a single woman who decides that a perfectly nice, attractive date is ‘not the one’ based upon one date. I have known a few examples of couples who had okay first dates but then went on to get to know each other, fall in love and married. So try not to ‘assume’ things too quickly based upon one thing or idea and give things a chance to unfold overtime.

If any of you have noticed yourself engaging in these aforementioned cognitive patterns in dating or otherwise, then you need to begin to develop more loving thoughts to develop more loving relationships.

My Best in Love,



* You may use excerpts from this with the bio below.

Author Bio:

Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman is a psychologist and author of ‘Dating from the Inside Out’ and ‘When Mars Women Date.’ She’s been an expert on the CBS Early Show, the Curtis Sliwa show,, USA Weekend, the NY Post, Newsweek,, More,,, Better Homes & Gardens, Reader’s Digest, Redbook, Glamour, Forbes, Woman’s Day, Men’s Health, Seventeen, Complete Woman, Elle Canada, the Huffington Post and the NY Times. Learn more at:!

My Dating Books on Amazon:

Dating From the Inside Out

When Mars Women Date:

A Shared Vision:: 100 Exercises for Couples to Co-Create The Lives of Their Dreams

100 Ways to Treat Your Mate Like Royalty: Under $10

Dr. Sherman offers Mars women one-on-one coaching by phone or face to face in her Manhattan office. If you’re interested in coaching with her, please fill out the Private Counseling form here

She will also be facilitating groups and tele-classes for Mars women as well. If you’re interested in participating, please fill out the contact form here