How is Your Relationship with Yourself Going?
If you were to imagine that you are now dating yourself, how would your relationship be going? I know this is a bizarre analogy (but humor me) and ask yourself these 5 questions about your relationship this morning:
1-How do you speak to yourself?
2-When is the last time that you gave yourself something just as a surprise or to delight yourself?
3-How happy do you make yourself on a consistent basis? Do you prioritize your needs and desires?
4-Do you spend fun quality time getting to know yourself ?
5-Do you find yourself interesting and do you like how you feel, think and look?
Follow my logic …you can’t expect someone else to adore you if you don’t love yourself. If you do not treat yourself well nor know who you are, how can you expect another person to? So, let’s look at the above questions in more depth:
1-SELF-TALK: Do you criticize yourself a lot and focus on self-improvement to the exclusion of your strengths? Do you have compassion and enthusiasm for yourself in moments when it is needed? Are you your own biggest cheerleader and one of your best friends? Would you allow a boyfriend to speak to you the way you talk to yourself? Put your inner dialogue under some scrutiny this week and try to add more kindness to it.
2-SELF-CARE: Do you ever surprise yourself with flowers or a CD that you love? Are you far more generous with others than you are with yourself? Do you ever take yourself to a movie just to make you laugh? Do you get yourself a massage after a particularly stressful month? Think about little ways to take good care of yourself throughout this week and see if you can raise your tolerance threshold for how much love you feel that you deserve.
3-SELF-CONTENTMENT & JOY: Do you stop doing chores and obligations long enough to do the things that you love? Do you run yourself ragged instead of enjoying your life? Is the only time you eat out or see a play when you are with others? Are you putting our life on hold because otherwise you would have to do some of these things alone? Do you love spending fun and relaxing time alone or do you associate spending time by yourself as being lonely or worse, being ‘a loser?’ Begin to practice being present and in a state of appreciation when you do spend time alone. If you are comfortable and happy in your own skin then you can be on a date with anyone else.
4- ALONE-TIME: Do you run around seeing everyone else important in your life and never set aside any alone time? Do you take time to journal, scrapbook, write, read, think, walk, explore places and do things that you love, alone? This will make you more independent and will give you a whole world to eventually share with a date or mate. Also, the relationship that you have with yourself is the only one that you can bet will always be there, like it or not. So you might as well try to like it, right? Don’t run away from your thoughts and feelings. If you feel bored or uncomfortable when you are alone, try to figure out why and improve upon this.
5-SELF-IMAGE: Do you feel that you are attractive, confident and interesting? What you feel about yourself inside definitely shines through to others. If you do not like how your clothes fit or how the fabrics feel, consider revamping your closet. Get rid of things that do not reflect you on the inside and shop for a few new outfits that do. Consider getting a haircut and some new makeup that makes you feel you look your best. If there are ways that you want to do to develop yourself on the inside, explore them. If you want to read more, join a book club. If you want to cook, take a cooking class or try out some new recipes with a friend. You can grow into the best image of yourself, just don’t do it for someone else.
In my book, ‘Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ I have a middle section on self-esteem and marrying yourself. So if you feel that your life has become a series of shoulds and pleasing others and that you have little connection with your true self anymore, you may want to read this section.
Often radiance comes from loving yourself and treating yourself well. This is often that very thing that attracts the right person to you. So, start noticing these five aforementioned areas and begin to be the date you’d like to attract!
This concept is especially important for singles who don’t currently have that other person to regularly compliment them, take them to the movies, buy them flowers, rub their back and make them feel like a priority. And what can happen sometimes, is that those people start defining their worth based upon male attention (or the lack thereof). This is way too precarious.
But this concept is important for us all (whether we are dating seriously or married) because our mates might be busy or grouchy and even when they are great, we still need to create space to develop our relationship with our own feelings, dreams, desires, needs, thoughts, interests etc. in this life.
So I suggest picking a few hours a week (to start) to date yourself. This means that if someone asks you to do something at that time, you can just say, ‘I can’t. I have plans.’ This will be your first act of prioritizing yourself and although it seems small it will be a marked shift in your life and psyche that will flourish in time.
My Best in Love,
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Dr. Sherman offers Mars women one-on-one coaching by phone or face to face in her Manhattan office. If you’re interested in coaching with her, please fill out the Private Counseling form here
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