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Date as Your True, Creative Self

Today I was thinking about how daters often attempt to look ‘normal’ and fit in on dates. They strive to be polite and remain on a surface level for awhile, so as not to rock the boat. While this is understandable, the expression of your true self can be the very thing that draws someone in and gives them insight into what is most loveable about you.

The psychologist Winnicott said that we are ‘most alive when we are at play’ and he said that it is then (including forms of creativity) that we are our best, true selves. So how better to experience another person then at that level?

I recalled my first date with my husband. I had already known him from work for awhile and we were both therapists. We went to the amusement park and rode the Cyclone, we walked on the beach and talked for a long time about peace and all our similar interests and then he came up to my house for a short while to look through my books and to hear my Holly Near tapes. I had a guitar there so he played and sang for me. When he did, I felt that I could tell a lot about him. Sure, I still had to get to know him in real time, over time but in that one moment, I did really see him. My (now) husband still writes songs and poetry and it is an ongoing window into his soul and heart.

Other daters have felt this type of connection by expressing themselves creatively in other ways. My sister-in-law wanted a bookshelf to display photos of the people who are important to her so her (now) husband made her one when they were dating. He spent hours creating it in secret and it was a labor of love that still stands and means a lot to her today.

Another man made a treasure chest for his date because she was going through a transition and she wanted to create a vision of her future.   The treasure chest was important because she could cut out pictures and keep them there to incubate until she was ready to create her vision.

A date who loved photography created a beautiful photo collage for his date. It was a montage of their past outings and moments of joy. You could see how much he loved her in the way he put it together.

When I dated my husband, he wrote me songs and sketched my portrait from a picture that he took.

I have known women who are great cooks that created beautiful mouth watering dinners for their dates to express their appreciation, down to finding out and making all the foods that he most loves.

We all probably know more stories and examples of this.

I know that not all of us feel comfortable expressing our creativity and some of you might even believe that you don’t have a gift. Sometimes our creative talent is something we think of as eccentric or useless but that is usually not true. For example, if you are really funny, you can make a cassette of all your favorite jokes (about topics that you think your date would like) and give it to her so that she can laugh when she is having a really bad/sad week.

So think about the creative ways that you express how you feel in the world and show your love.  Don’t hide your light on your dates, presupposing that it’s the best way to maintain interest.  In my experience, the person who is the best fit for you will really ‘get’ who you  are and will fall in love with your essence. Take a risk to create an offering from your heart and see if it connects you to that right person.

 My Best in Love,



* You may use excerpts from this with the bio below.

Author Bio:

Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman is a psychologist and author of ‘Dating from the Inside Out’ and ‘When Mars Women Date.’ She’s been an expert on the CBS Early Show, the Curtis Sliwa show,, USA Weekend, the NY Post, Newsweek,, More,,, Better Homes & Gardens, Reader’s Digest, Redbook, Glamour, Forbes, Woman’s Day, Men’s Health, Seventeen, Complete Woman, Elle Canada, the Huffington Post and the NY Times. Learn more at:!

My Dating Books on Amazon:

Dating From the Inside Out

When Mars Women Date:

A Shared Vision:: 100 Exercises for Couples to Co-Create The Lives of Their Dreams

100 Ways to Treat Your Mate Like Royalty: Under $10

Dr. Sherman offers Mars women one-on-one coaching by phone or face to face in her Manhattan office. If you’re interested in coaching with her, please fill out the Private Counseling form here

She will also be facilitating groups and tele-classes for Mars women as well. If you’re interested in participating, please fill out the contact form here